CPC Report; An unabashedly liberal perspective

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.  Clarence Darrow*

*The qualifications for both President and Vice President are the same. In other words, Dan was only a heart beat away as the VP.

15 February 2010- The Dan Quayle Special Edition

The Return of J. Danforth Quayle

Ex-Vice President Dan Quayle has decided to emerge from whatever obscure place he had retired to and has shown up on the Fox News. Naturally he just has to make some idiotic proclamations. In this case, it was on the debate over passing health care reform in Congress.

He begins his ridiculous remarks about the prospect of using reconciliation process. On this, he declared that;

“They’re gonna go to budget reconciliation, which I believe would set a very bad precedent, because essentially — if they could do it, and I don’t know if they can do it, but if they could do it — what you have done, effectively, is to take away the filibuster in the United States Senate,” Quayle said. “So, therefore, you have 51 votes in the House and 51 votes in the Senate. That is not what our Founding Fathers had in mind. That is not the constitutional process.”

On his remarks, there is very much amiss. Redefining the majority of 100 in the  of 100Senate to mean 60 rather than 51 for everything the Senate tries to do is not what the Framers had in mind. There is nothing in the Constitution about the filibuster.

It is rather odd that the former vice president would mention the House since the filibuster is not used in the House, for reasons of practicality. After all, with 435 representatives currently serving, filibustering would render impossible getting anything accomplished, especially if it took only 51 votes.

Concerning budget reconciliation, there is already a precedent for using budget reconciliation. Under the Bush Administration, this process was used to pass his tax cuts, along with much of the rest of his agenda. Many a Republican seems to have forgotten this. Perhaps this amnesia has affected Dan Quayle as well.

More moronic moments with J. Danforth Quayle

What follows are quotes from the forever quotable J. Danforth Quayle, taken from various places in cyberspace. This should be considered a work in progress.

TO BEGIN WITH

The American people would not want to know any of the misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. (But we get them anyway.)

TIME & PROGRESS

I have made judgments in the past. I have made judgments in the future. (I sure hope that judgments that you had made in the future is better than those you had made in the past.)

The future will be better tomorrow. ( Hallelujah!)

We don't want to go back to tomorrow. We want to go forward. (Would that be forward to yesterday or tomorrow?)

Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the - to the back!  (Do you mean back to the past? Are you talking of time travel?)

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. (You may or may not be correct on this one.)

I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy- but that can change. (Let's hope that irreversible course is truly irreversible.)

EDUCATION

What waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is very wasteful. How true that is. ("A mind is a terrible thing to waste."- Quote from the United Negro College Fund -Dan,Is this the quote that  you are mangling.)

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. (And you are living proof of this.)

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. (Thanks for clearing that up, Dan.)

If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime. (Say what?)

MORALS

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about not having it. (By all means, we should talk about having legitimacy- uh, exactly what are we talking about again?)

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right. (So you want to be on the side of being wrong?)

They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help. And we are helping, and we're going to continue to help. (Dan, you are the one who needs help.)

GOVERNMENT & POLITICS

If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. (And if we do succeed, we are successful.)

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president and that one word is "to be prepared." (That's three words, Dan.)

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. (Does this mean that Republicans are in favor of S & M within the family?)

When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that is who he is. (If George Bush is the vice president, than who is the president? You?)

In golf, you keep your head down and follow through.  In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through.  It's a big difference. (Is that the only difference Dan?)

The other day the President said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. He paused, then said, would you like a puppy? (Oh, how sweet.)

ELECTIONS

It is not just age; it's accomplishments, it's experience. I have far more experience than many others that sought the office of vice president of this country. I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency. I will be prepared to deal with the people in the Bush administration, if that unfortunate event would ever occur.( Senator Bentsen's response- "Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." This exchange took place in the 1988 vice presidential debate.)

This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! (No kidding. Tell us something we don't know.)

Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us. (Go figure.)

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. (This kind of like Calvin Coolidge saying that people losing their jobs is the cause of unemployment.)

Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win. (Can't see the trees through forests, can you Dan?)

Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000. (Since Clinton could not run again because he had already served the two terms as President and according to the Constitution, could not serve another term, I guess you're right Dan.)

ECONOMICS

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America. (We all just love that thing called America.)

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery. (Say it isn't so, Dan)

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement. (Talk about passing the buck.)

Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively because Americans are smoking less. (Doesn't that mean that we would also be exporting lung cancer and emphysema.)

GEOGRAPHY

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. ( Phoenix is in Arizona, Dan.)

Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists. (Fortunately, you are wrong.)

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island. (So Hawaii is an island in the Pacific. And your audience were Hawaiians living in Hawaii. What are doing , Dan? Showing off your knowledge of geography to the locals?)

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. (It's also just as wonderful being in the great city of Illinois.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. (Since when?)

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other. (Exactly, how would that happen Dan?)

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. (Dan, Latin is a language that is no longer spoken outside the Catholic Church. You probably mean Spanish.)

El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice. (Out of many, comes one.)

  HISTORY

It's a very good historical book about history. (What would expect, Dan? A very good historical book about fairy tales?)

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. (Well, what century did you live in, Dan?)

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. (Rioters responsible for riots and killers responsible for killing. How about idiots responsible for idiocy?)

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. (That's one for the history books.)

WAR

[A] stirring victory for the forces of aggression. (This is how Vice President  Dan Quayle described the victory of  Operation Desert Storm. And to think I thought that this was supposed to be a victory against aggression. After all, Iraq invaded Kuwait and we just simply kicked Iraq out.)

Make no mistakes about it; Operation Desert Storm truly was a victory of good over evil, of freedom over tyranny, of peace over war. (Peace over war? How Orwellian of you, Dan.)

ENVIRONMENT & HEALTH

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. (Dan, exactly what do you think pollution is?)

The loss of life will be irreplaceable. (No comment needed.)

OUTER-SPACE

For NASA, space is a high priority. (That's good to hear since it is their job to have space as a high priority.)

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. (Aren't we already there?)

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite. (Dan, for space to be almost infinite is like a woman being almost pregnant.)

Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. (Dan, you are a certifiable moron.)

EGO

Public speaking is very easy. (Oh really?)

I deserve respect for the things I did not do. (And disrespect for the things that you did do.)

I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it. (Know it all.)

TO SUM UP

When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and there. (Trust me, Dan. Stick to the text. You would be a lot better off.)

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. (Oh hell. I really wanted to hear this.)

I stand by all of the misstatements that I've made. (Good for you, Dan.)


He didn't have the greatest smarts in the world. His main interests in school were broads and booze.
                                J. Danforth Quayle's Father, 08/23/88

I don't want to be charged with child abuse.

Pat Buchanan, declaring that he did not "want to get into a war of words with Vice President Dan Quayle".



Postscript
To Fox News,

You're weren't doing J. Danforth any favor by providing him a platform for him to make a fool of himself. On the other hand, this is what most of your regulars do anyway. So why don't you hire him as commentator, like you did with Sarah Palin. He would fit in rather nicely.




Glynn Braman

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